I like to be alone, not lonely.

"Oh, I'm so lonely, but let me tell you about the party I went to last weekend, with ALL of our friends but you."
"Oh, I'm so lonely, but I'm not actually going to look you in the eye when I speak to you because I'm texting our friend, who never actually talks to you"
"Oh, I'm so lonely, but the people who came to that party we didn't even like, but don't worry we like you!"

Yeah sure you do, I believe you, don't worry, but who are you trying to convince? No, I don't want to go to parties, I don't like socializing. Why do you think I am a compsci student?! However, to not even be invited and then tell me the people who were invited are people you knowingly dislike. That hurts. But don't worry about me I don't mind. I prefer to stay inside anyway. I prefer to be alone.

It's not like we are not friends! I asked you if you wanted to go out. I reached out to you, and you said yes. I think that means you want to hang out with me. I think that means we are friends. To be honest, at this point, I don't know what that word means.


So you went to a party this weekend... again? Please continue to tell me how lonely you are.
You are literally texting our friends while barely keeping up a conversation with me. Please continue to tell me how lonely you are. You should know those are the friends that can barely hold a conversation with me.
You were with friends every night this week? Please tell me how lonely you are.

The last time I went out with friends was with you. Actually, the only friend I go out with is you, because any other friend doesn't want to waste their time with me. They have other people. I haven't left the house in weeks. I feel like I am worthless, your time is better spent with other people. Don't worry about me though! I like being alone. I prefer to stay inside anyway. I prefer to be alone.

You don't have to tell me, that people like me. You don't have to remind me that your friendship is valuable. I have lost so many 'friends' who have said that they never actually liked me, that I am worthless, that I am worth no-one's time, so of-fucking-course your friendship is worth something to me because you are all I have.

To the person who told me I was fake, my anxiety disorder was a lie and that no-one believed me. At least I don't complain about getting help to people who don't have that opportunity. At least I don't approach people who are clearly badly affected by social situations and tell them that nothing is real and our friendship is a lie. You want to know something, I may have few friends, but I will not be pushed around anymore, and you will never be my friend.

Please don't complain when I say that I am lonely because you are my friend because you having been saying the same thing to me for weeks. Your friendship is valuable but apparently, mine is not. People still question why I have trust issues, yet I have been told countless times that my closest friends just pity me, that I will understand soon and no-one actually likes me.

So please stop telling me how the people who lied to me are suddenly two-faced and are horrible. Please don't tell me how lonely you are because the people who are meant to be your friends suddenly turn their back. Please stop telling me how lonely you are, yet I am right here,  and I have no-one. I sound like a bitch, but I have gone through this day after day and I can't take it anymore. I don't care anymore.

I thank you for being my friend, thank you for spending your time with me, but please don't complain when I say I am lonely. I don't know who to trust, I barely have company, I am constantly sad. Don't complain when I say I am lonely because I am the epitome of loneliness. Let me clarify something, I like to be alone, I don't like to be lonely.